Praying Hard for a Miracle
Written by Amy Wilson
Two years ago my husband, Heath, suffered a massive stroke. He spent two weeks on life support before he went home to be with the Lord. We prayed so very hard for a miracle. We waited for the Lord and believed that miracle would come, but it didn’t. The most difficult struggle for me, aside from losing Heath, has been the brokenness I have felt towards the Lord for not intervening, for not sitting Heath up in that hospital bed and giving him back to our family. The absolute trust I had for the Lord to come to our rescue in times of real trouble has been damaged. I can feel a hesitation in my spirit to ask for certain things in prayer now. Whereas, when Heath suffered the stroke, I prayed boldly, without hesitation, without unbelief. I was certain that God would heal him and I was so surprised when He didn’t.
For months leading up to Heath’s death a question kept filling my mind, “Who do you say that I am?” There were friends that were dealing with hard things: the total destruction of a business due to a tornado, cancer diagnosis, miscarriages… and each time something would happen that question would waft through my mind, “Who do you say that I am?”
One morning, a few weeks after Heath’s death, I stood staring into the bathroom mirror. Again, that question entered my thoughts. This time, however, it was specifically addressed to me. “Amy, who do you say that I am?” Defiantly, I said in a low voice, “You are not the God of miracles.” It was at that moment, I knew my heart was so deeply broken that Jesus was the only one who could fix it. So, I began to pour my heart out too him – all the ugly truths of how I felt, my questions of why and my broken trust. I also continued to praise Him in the midst of all the grief.
Although my faith has taken a beating, God’s faithfulness and provision has carried us through these past two years. He constantly reminds me that He is near. He does not despise me for my broken trust. Instead, he reaches out His hand to me like He did with Peter as Peter stepped out onto the water in faith, then, quickly sank beneath the surface. Jesus is faithful even when our faith fails.
Recently, I came across a beautiful example of what God’s glory can look like in the midst of our brokenness. I was researching tulips when I discovered there is such a thing as a “broken” tulip. A broken tulip is a tulip that has contracted a virus. The virus causes the tulip to break the solid color sending streaks along the petals, making it uniquely beautiful. I was struck by this as I thought about how our brokenness gives way to God’s glory when we continue to rely on Him in spite of our pain.
Grief is so hard and messy. I’m convinced there is no straight path through grief. It’s a journey filled with ups and downs, twists and turns – one that has roadblocks and barricades to maneuver. Yet, through all of that, we are accompanied by the one who loves us so…Jesus. I’m still learning how to fully rely on him for our needs and how to trust him again. But, I know this! Jesus is where I place my hope. No matter how hurt I feel now, I will choose to believe he is who he says he is. My thoughts and feelings, my pain, they betray me, but the word of the Lord does not. So, when I have those moments of grief where I deny the Lord, I remind myself that He is asking – Who do you say that I am? Will you believe your grief? Will you believe only what your eyes can see? Or, will you believe that I am who I say I am? I am the God of miracles, I have conquered death and I am faithful.
Isaiah 41:10 says: Do not be afraid, for I am with you.
Do not be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my righteous right hand.